Keep in mind I am writing my Portland impressions after praising Chicago and DC. My bar for these cities has been pretty much on the floor.
My Very Official Review List
Car Independence: 3 / 10
I heard a lot of good about Portland’s car independence before arriving here. Several street cars roam the cities, bike lanes are everywhere, and the center of Portland is very walkable. All this is technically true, but leaves out all the massive issues.
Street cars are no better than busses here. This is somewhat expected, they are designed to be behave like slightly nicer busses that share the road with cars and adhere to all the same rules. Not the worst thing I guess, but what makes them unusable is the craziness of Portland. Way too many drug zombies are roaming in these things. When the more than half the riders are on drugs, you don’t exactly feel comfortable riding for 40 minutes when a car gets you to the destination in 10. Busses truly don’t feel safe and are just gross here.
Bike lanes are actually great, but the bike ridesharing here is by far the most expensive I have ever seen. It is almost $0.40 per minute of riding. Considering you need to find a station to get and return these things, a small bike ride across town can easily cost $10 one way. You can have your own bike, but again, at least part of it will get stolen. You could even get a car, but make sure you have some Saran wrap and duct tape when your window gets broken. It is a very common site here.
Walking through all the cute stores and streets seems great. Guess what, there’s tents and homeless everywhere. Expect to cross the road every other block to avoid encampments. Sidewalks reek of piss and trash is thrown about. It is also kinda rainy and cold sometimes but like thats pretty low on the list of issues.
Public Spaces & Social: 2 / 10
I won’t beat a dead horse here. Libraries are filled with homeless, I couldn’t even take a piss in one because homeless man was yelling at himself in the mirror. Starbucks has been the saving grace, the $3 barrier to entry makes it a bastion for sober people.
Trying to walk through Washington Park was the same issue, monuments and statues are blockaded by tents and trash. The Willamette river has the same problems and also prohibits swimming. Another option is the Columbia river, but it is not really accessible by public transport. There is plenty of nature outside of the city, with Mount Hood an hour away and Cannon Beach slightly under two. These are easy to reach by car, and I assume the encampments start to dwindle if you drive far enough.
Job Opportunity: 2 / 10
I am sure there are some jobs, but the people who are actually working seem to be involved with art, food, or some annoying hipster thing that should have already died out. I don’t see much else.
People & Culture: 2 / 10
This place has the largest naked bike ride event globally. My roommate in the hostel saw a naked guy casually walking down the road within two hours of arriving. I have never seen so many people yelling at the top of their lungs to themselves while walking. I have no clue what drug that is, but it seems like they are having fun at least. Witnessed multiple (barely nonviolent) homeless altercations. The two Catholic churches in the center are ghost towns believe it or not.
Some parts of Pearl District are pretty nice and almost remind me of Burlington, Vermont. Earthy-crunchy vibes bump the score up to a 2.
Outdoors & Weather: 4 / 10
Weather is actually pleasant right now. Portland is foggy most of the year, but avoids extreme temperatures either way. Outdoors locations here are ruined by the homeless and trash. There is nowhere that is really pleasant or peaceful.
Price & Value: 3 / 10
Everything is somewhat cheap here, doesn’t matter this place sucks.
Overall: 16 / 60
Maybe we shouldn’t keep Portland weird.
If you decide to go to this God-forsaken city, I highly recommend the NW Portland Hostel. It is probably the best hostel I have been in.